Laughter Is The Best Medicine (English Humour)

29 Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

3) The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

4) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

5) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

6) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

7) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

8) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

9) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

10) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

11) You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

12) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

14) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

15) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

16) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

17) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

18) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

19) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.

20) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

21) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

22) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Plus, you can drive for at least 10 seconds without looking where you are going.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he/she has been suspended from duty.

24) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

25) No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

26) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. And you turn the TV off immediately to continue dialogue.

27) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

28) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

29) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

Бабушка: «Милок, какой свет?» 
Молодой человек: «Зелёный» 
Бабушка: «Переведи, милок!» 
Молодой человек: «Green!»

Над глухим американским районом разбился самолет, перевозивший золото. Спасатели обнаружили обломки самолета, но золото исчезло. Невдалеке находилось поселение индейцев, которые ничего не могли пояснить, потому что говорили только на своем языке. Поэтому в поселение прислали следователя с переводчиком. Следователь пришел к вождю поселения и стал его допрашивать через переводчика.

Следователь: Где золото?
Переводчик переводит.
Вождь: Ничего мы, господин, не о каком золоте не знаем.
Переводчик переводит.
Следователь: Врешь, следы от самолета ведут в вашу деревню.
Переводчик переводит.
Вождь: Не знаю, господин, наверное, чужие люди проходили.
Переводчик переводит.
Следователь: Скажи ему, если прямо сейчас не скажет: где золото, застрелю на месте!
Переводчик переводит.
Вождь испугался: Ой, не стреляй, господин! Золото в моем доме под очагом зарыто.
Переводчик хитро прищурился и перевел: «Стреляй, бледнолицая собака, все равно ничего не скажу!»

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Letter from a blonde mother to her blonde daughter

Dear Jen,

If you’ve received this letter it means it reached you. If not then let me know and I will write you another one.
I am writing slowly, cause I know that you can’t read very fast.
The weather is good. Last week it rained only twice. At the beginning of the week for 3 days and closer to the end of the week for around 4 days.
By the way, concerning this jacket that you wanted, your uncle said if I send it to you with these heavy metal buttons the shipping will be too expensive, that’s why I cut them off. Sew them back on, I’ve put them in the right pocket.
Your father found another job. He has 500 people under him! He’s cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your sister got married and is pregnant now. We don’t know the gender of the baby, so I can’t tell you whether you will become an aunt or uncle.
If it will be a girl she wants to name her after me. It’s a strange decision to name a child Mama.
A stupid thing happened recently to your brother Jim: he closed his car and forgot the key inside. He had to walk home (10 km!) to get the spare keys and let us out of the car.
If you meet your cousin Lisa, send her my greetings. If you don’t meet her, don’t send her anything.

Love,
Your mother

P.S.: I wanted to send you some money but I’ve already closed the envelope.

The Men's Guide to Women's English:
http://vkontakte.ru/topic-7077324_25279700

Humorous Grammar Rules:
http://vkontakte.ru/topic-7077324_25443970

Hollywood's Laws of Life, Physics and Everything

Lighting and the Set

1. One match can light up an entire room, even a large cavern.

2. When it is night, it seems that the curtains are never closed as there is always light shining through, or the Moon is permanently full and bright.

3. Every school apparently has its door wide open all night long, unless you are about to be murdered, at which point every outside door will be locked.

4. The strongest fortress can be penetrated by crawling through the ventilation ducts - which are wide enough to accommodate the hero.

Weather and Outside

1. When it rains, it pours. It never drizzles, and there is no such thing as a brief shower with sunny spells.

2. Fog is so impenetrable that it is impossible to see further than your nose, and yet they still drive on the roads.

3. The wind is always audible, even if it is a light breeze.

4. Even if the scene is set in a tropical paradise, it always snows on Christmas Eve.

Casting and the Plot

1. Everyone always says what they want to say, then stops. Nobody ever interrupts anyone else, and cacophonous rows where you can't tell anything anyone is saying never happen.

2. Asking for 'a beer' is fully sufficient. The bartender instinctively knows which brand and size you want and whether you prefer it in a bottle or from draft.

3. Any vital plan will never seem to be working first time round, but will appear to fail and then end up succeeding.

4. The last person to be rescued from a burning or collapsing building is a small child. The child is not rescued by the mother, who fled earlier and is frantically waiting outside.

Computers and Other High-Tech Equipment

1. Computer passwords can easily be guessed and it takes no more than three minutes to find them by just trying.

2. When downloading something from a computer, the line showing how far the download has gone always moves at a steady rate.

3. Spilling liquids on a keyboard will make the screen and hard-drive fizz with sparks - keyboards are where all the memory is kept, apparently.

4. When something is loading up, it does it immediately.

5. When people type they never make a typo.

6. There's no spam in the in-box. All it contains is the important email.

Aircraft, Ships and Helicopters

1. You can easily talk to people from inside a helicopter without using PA equipment.

2. You can never hear a helicopter until it comes into view. If half the field of vision is obscured by a cliff, then there is silence until the helicopter suddenly appears.

3. Helicopters are controlled by a single joystick, leaving one hand free to fire a squad support weapon out of the window. No helicopter requires the pilot to operate the collective lever with their other hand.

Hollywood's Laws of Life:

Bombs

1 All bombs tick and there's always a small illuminated display showing time left before they go bang. They all go off with a huge bang, even in the vacuum of Outer Space.

2. Bombs can only be safely defused in the last ten seconds of the countdown. The timer is always accurate and the bomb never goes off prematurely or some time later than 00:00, even if it was built by the most hideous villain.

3. They can be disarmed by cutting a single wire. The only question is, the red one or the blue one?

4. Heroes can survive a blast of any magnitude just by throwing themselves on the floor as the bomb goes off.

Cars

1. Police cars always topple over when crashing.

2. Crashed cars inevitably explode. Diesel-driven trucks are not excepted.

3. There's always a free parking spot available right before the main door of a house.

4. Nobody ever takes out the key and locks the doors. Unattended and unlocked cars never get stolen.

5. Regardless of the conditions a car is driven through, the windscreen remains clean.

Evil Overlords/Overladies

1. Evil people either wear black and have black hair or are blond and speak with a German accent, and are either camp and cool or power-crazed and vindictive.

2. You can be sure it's the bad guy when he drives a big German car.

3. Evil people always gloat sadistically over the hero/heroine. After capturing the hero, they will talk his ear off.

4. Telephone numbers of important people are never busy and they are always sitting beside the phone and waiting for the ring tone.

5. All the bad/important/heroic things happen in the USA: Independence Day, Godzilla, etc...

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO shoud be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

The WC

An English teacher was going to visit Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory hotel with a room had been found she started packing. Suddenly, it occurred to her that she hadn't asked whether the room had its own loo, so she wrote to the schoolmaster asking whether there was a W.C.

The schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote the following email:

Dear Madam,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The acoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit on the same seat. The look on their faces was very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated, so she doesn't go regularly, in fact she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster

A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that a story half an hour long can be translated in four words. What kind of amazing language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don't know what you said, but how can you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"

The interpreter says, "Story too long, so I say, 'He says joke -- laugh!' "